When I first saw Valerie, she was a 15-month-old toddler. In the first 4 months after her birth, Valerie screamed nine hours a day, even while nursing. She was red-faced, hot-tempered and screaming with the veins in her neck protruding. At 15 months, she still needed swaddling at night in order to sleep. She would get screaming fits and break out in hives if left with a sitter, or on occasion if her mother put her down for a few minutes. Although she wasn’t an adopted child, her parents considered abortion in the early months of the pregnancy. The mother said that it seemed like her baby never felt safe, even though she and her husband now really loved the child and spent hours each day holding her. Her story suggests the powerful effect of the parent’s thoughts on the unborn child.
Adopted children have experienced the condition of being unwanted before they were born; often abortion was a real consideration. In addition, they may have experienced the loss of the mutual and deeply satisfying mother-infant bond. This experience can affect them in more than one-way, for instance:
• They are grieving the loss of their birthmother. The adoption is normally a joyful event for the adoptive parents who long for a child. And here is a child who is unwanted by its natural parents. So, it seems a great blessing that the two of them have come together, the parents who want a child and the child who needs parents. But for the child, separation from the birthmother feels like the loss of her whole world. In the child’s reality, she is grieving that loss, and she has no idea who these strangers are, or why she’s in this new place.
• These children are emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes the vulnerability is easy to see, but often it’s hidden. Adopted children frequently hide depression, their confusion about identity, anger, and fear of further loss.
My own adopted son seemed sad and lost his first week in our home, but then seemed to be a normal, happy baby and toddler. I noticed that when he was sick, or under stress, he would react by shrugging his shoulders, as if to say nothing could get to him. But he seemed so happy overall that my momentary qualms about his emotional indifference faded into the background.
When he turned 12, practically overnight, he became surly and uncooperative and started having behavior problems in school. When his troubles escalated from school problems to legal problems, we realized that this was something more than normal teenage rebellion.
• Adoptive children are angry. The child is angry with the birthmother for abandoning her. But the birthmother is often an unknown, mysterious person, so the child redirects her anger at others, often at the adoptive mother. This anger can be seen in the temper tantrums of young children, or the acting out of adolescence. The child can also feel guilty about the anger and suppress it. This can lead to alternating cycles of good behavior punctuated by angry outbursts.
• Adopted children defend themselves against further loss by shutting out others, attempting to avoid the pain of yet another abandonment. Keeping others at arms length leads to a deeper depression. During this depression, the child may act out by stealing, lying, setting fires, fighting, using drugs, or running away. Another defense the child may use is to become the ‘perfect child’ so there will be no reason for abandonment by the adoptive parents. This child puts a lot of effort into understanding what others want from her and complying with the wishes of those around her. The adoption experience can have life-long effects on the person. Nancy Verrier, author of the groundbreaking book The Primal Wound says, “According to 1985 statistics used by Parenting Resources of Santa Ana, California, although adoptees comprised 2-3 percent of the population of the country, they represented 30-40 percent of individuals found in residential treatment centers, juvenile hall, and special schools.” Luc de Schepper, a San Diego homeopath, finds that his most difficult ADD cases are adopted children.
My personal experience reflects Verrier’s findings. When my son and his brother were teens, I was a member of Toughlove, a support group for parents of children with behavior problems. In our local group, we consistently found that 40% or more of our members were adoptive parents.
For more on the challenges adopted children and their families face, I recommend the book Twenty Things Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge.
Remedies
Anacardium – Adoption is a split, both emotionally and genetically. The child is split from the original family and identity and graphed onto a new family and identity. The Anacardium child has a divided will, not sure if they are a devil or an angel. The Anacardium state can be caused by isolation and separation at birth, or after, leading to an extreme lack of confidence and a feeling of powerlessness. To compensate for this feeling, the person becomes aggressive and cruel. A keynote of the Anacardium state is a cold, hardhearted stare, which can be quite disconcerting to parents. The child’s behavior may appear very normal except in their drawings, which may have violent themes, and they may be attracted to playing with matches. The child’s dreams may also be violent, but they will rarely share their dreams with others.
Gallic acid – The Gallic acid state can be caused by the shock of a sudden separation from a primary caretaker. From that time onward, the child does everything possible to prevent being left alone. This child feels abandoned and reacts with manipulation and even violence in seeking protection from further abandonment. The child insists on being watched constantly and wakes up frequently at night to check that the parents are still nearby. This child won’t stay alone for even a minute and is rude and abusive to those around them, even to friends. The child can be extremely jealous and threatening to siblings. Gallic acid children are often hyperactive and cannot focus on their tasks, or schoolwork.
Hura - Hura treats the condition of feeling unwanted and abandoned by one’s nearest relatives, or friends. The child will feel that she doesn’t belong, doesn’t fit in. In addition, Hura children feel that they are disgusting as though they have leprosy and are, therefore, outcasts. Some Hura children will compensate for the feeling of being despised by showing contempt for others. The child will often have a skin disorder, such as eczema, or joint problems such as juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.
Lac humanum – Lac humanum is a remedy made from human breast milk. The child who needs it will feel completely alone, as if nobody is there for them. This is the experience of many adopted children who never receive bonding from the birthmother and who were never breastfed. The child feels a sense of isolation, even a sense of not inhabiting her own body. Others easily take advantage of her because she tends to their needs before her own.
Magnesium carbonicum – J. T. Kent wrote in his Lectures on Homeopathic Materia Medica: “I once had in charge an orphanage, where we had sixty to one hundred babies on hand all the time. The puzzle of my life was to find remedies for the cases that were going into marasmus (wasting away). A large number of them were clandestine babies. It was sort of Sheltering Arms for these little ones. The whole year elapsed, and we were losing babies every week from this gradual decline, until I saw the image of these babies in Magnesia carbonicum and after that many of them were cured.” Because of Kent’s work, this is usually the first remedy thought of for adoptive children, or orphans.
Magnesium muriaticum – The Magnesium muriaticum child is a peacemaker. It’s a good remedy for children whose parents are arguing or divorcing, or whose family members are engaged in conflict. The Magnesium muriaticum child wants everyone to be happy and harmonious. An adopted child who needs Magnesium muriaticum will be frightened whenever her parents argue, fearing that they will break-up and she will be abandoned, just as her birthmother had abandoned her.
Natrum muriaticum – Like the Anacardium state, the Natrum muriaticum state can be caused by isolation and separation at birth. It is a well-known remedy for babies who have been taken from their mothers and placed in an incubator at birth. The Natrum muriaticum child is easily hurt and protects herself with emotional reserve. There is an inner grief due to being left alone without adequate nurturing. These children are so closed it’s hard to get to know them. They say little and reveal nothing about what is really going on in their lives. They are easily offended, and remember any insult for a long time – sometimes forever.
Pulsatilla – The Pulsatilla state can be caused by rejection of the child by the mother, or separation from the mother at an early age. The child feels unloved and unwanted. In her struggle to get enough love, the child will be clingy, weepy and manipulative. She has an insatiable desire for attention and reassurance, often asking, “Do you love me?”
Saccharum officianale – A remedy for those who did not receive enough love, or nurturing, in their early life. The child will usually have an extreme craving for sweets and may have a sugar imbalance problem such as hypoglycemia. She may also have extreme thirst. The child will compensate for lack of nurturing with two types of behaviors: firstly, she may constantly seek closeness with the parents, especially the mother, always wanting cuddles and wanting to sleep in the parent’s bed. And secondly, the child may have behavior problems such as kicking and hitting other children, sibling jealousy, defiant behavior, or hyperactivity. Some children will compensate for a lack of nurturing by refusing any form of affection. These children have the same desperate need for love, but will refuse contact with the parents.
Not every adopted child will need one of these remedies. We always recommend remedies based on the totality of the whole person, not just one factor such as adoption. Any troubled child, whether adopted or not, will benefit from professional homeopathic care. The homeopath may consider the wounds of adoption as a possible etiology, and will determine if any of these remedies fit the picture.
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